


"The simple fact of knowing you."

by veredgf



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode: s11e01 My Struggle III, F/M, Medical, POV First Person, POV Mulder, tie-in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 07:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13585326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veredgf/pseuds/veredgf
Summary: Tie in for the first scenes of MS3 mostly, through Mulder's eyes.





	"The simple fact of knowing you."

It was supposed to be just another ordinary day at the office. That's all it was meant to be. I was still having issues with getting used to office hours so I was running late. I'd foregone shaving, as I'd figured I'd be able to get it done at the office. I'd always kept a shaving kit in one of my desk drawers, along with an extra clean suit. Lord knows these had been quite handy on several occasions.

It was Scully, who reminded me of this as she called me a few weeks ago on our first day back on the X-Files. The memories of the long all-nighters we'd pulled through back in the day came back as if it were yesterday. I'd begun keeping an extra set of clothes and a shaving kit in the office after Skinner had shot me a peeved glare when I'd arrived all scruffy and unshaven to a staff meeting after some case. Now I was counting on it to save me again. Little did I know that that would be the least of my worries once I'd arrived at the office.

But for now I was oblivious.

As I drove through the morning traffic, I was thinking about Scully. She'd been having a rough time ever since her mom passed away. She spoke little of it, but her actions spoke volumes. I'd catch her staring into nothing, her thoughts a million miles away, her expression torn and forlorn. I've come to understand that she needed time to process. She needed to figure out her feelings and I knew she'd open up to me at some point. We'd spoken about it, but I knew she was still going through the motions and that mourning is a multilayered ordeal and she was gradually unveiling each layer as time went by. Each time she encountered a new situation, I knew she would see it through the eyes of a person who had lost her parents. I'd already been there. It was a constant gnawing pain and nothing I could say or do would change this for her. She just had to learn to cope, and I had to learn to let her do so on her own terms.

The main difference in her was that she called me more often and she'd drop by my house regularly. She didn't speak about her mother directly, but we spoke a lot; about the X-Files, about William and about us, and through it all I knew she was expressing her feelings for her mother. We'd sit on my porch and just stare at the never ending fields surrounding what used to be our co-habitat; her body would be squeezed tight against mine, and we'd say nothing. At some point she'd raise her legs onto the bench and snuggle beside me. I'd put my arm around her small form and pull her even closer. She'd never utter a word. It was like some secret pact. We both understood the wordless gesture, and that was enough for the both of us.

The thought of her enduring yet another loss in her life hurt me so bad. For once I wasn't actually directly responsible for it, but I knew her relationship with her mother had withered over the years and for that I am fully to blame for, and the realization hit her badly as her mother lay there dying. She didn't know her mother anymore. I had taken her away from all of that, and even though I did not kill her mother, I certainly killed the bond they shared.

I shake my head, trying to remove the glum thoughts. This certainly won't do me or Scully any good. If I am to be her support, I will have to move out of this self-blame mode of mine, or I'd be of no use to her. Speaking of being of use, I just realized that my tardiness is going to take an extra notch today as traffic seemed to be holding a grudge against me. I should tell Scully. Skinner had set a debriefing for this morning and it was about to take place in the next five minutes. She'd be pissed if I were late and I'd not told her beforehand.

Luckily traffic is slow enough for me to manage to swipe my phone's lock screen and find Scully's number in my favorites. Boy, do _I_ miss speed dial buttons. Swiping and searching on a smartphone requires much more attention than pressing a single button on an old-fashioned cell. At least if we got an IPhone from work I could have used SIRI, but of course the FBI stuck with android and their voice operated bitch was just no SIRI. Scully'd kept pestering me about operating the phone while driving. I know she's right, but I'm just an old dog who cannot seem to be able to learn new tricks.

So now I am holding the phone to my ear, expecting to hear Scully's voice on the other end of the line, but I wait and wait and I receive no answer which is odd and very unlike Scully. OK, I try not to panic, although this is the state I get into the second Scully acts off key. I shouldn't be reading too much into this, possibly her phone is on mute or vibrate. I try again. Nothing. OK, it's probably on mute _and_ in her bag. I leave her a voice message and hope for the best, but now the meandering slow traffic is grating on my nerves. I contemplate calling Skinner but maybe it's just a false alarm. Damn! I look at the endless traffic and I see an optional shortcut. It's a gamble, but I risk it. The gamble comes through and ten minutes later I am entering the FBI parking lot.

I don't know why, but my gut is churning and I have learned to trust it; I don’t remember it betraying me. The car tires screech like crazy as I zoom through the parking lot till I find an empty slot, too far from the nearest elevator, of course. I scramble out of the car, and slam its door. Now I'm dashing like a maniac towards the elevator sign, but once I'm there I notice both elevators are stuck at the very top floor. I don't wait. I rush to the nearest stairwell and thank whatever God for our office being on the basement level. It's just one flight of stairs and I am running through the very familiar basement hallway towards our office.

My heart is pounding like crazy and I know it's from fear and adrenaline and not from the exertion. I am standing in front of our office door, suddenly pausing as terror takes a grip on me. I try to shake the feeling off as I attempt to calm myself down. I slowly push on the door handle and the door swings open with a slight creak.

At first glance it seems as if the office is empty. I blink for a second, surprised somewhat, thinking that possibly Scully had gone up to the meeting without me, but a millisecond later I see her, and my heart sinks into a bottomless pit.

I'm stunned, memories of Scully's abduction, her near death as she was returned and her almost dying of cancer all coming back to me. I feel nauseated, bile rising up and bubbling in my throat. I've never seen her like this, and it's so shocking, having seen her endure so many awful things through the years. Her body was flailing on the ground with uncontrollable convulsions, blood spewing from her mouth and her eyes, wide open and filled with fear and terror.

Once I get over my initial shock I simultaneously drop beside her-still-pulsating form, as I reach for my jacket pocket to retrieve my cell. I put my palm on her forehead and I'm met with cold and clammy skin; the furthest away from Scully's usual soft skin texture. I shudder in response to her body's continuous shuddering. "Scully!" I cry out to her, but she doesn't respond. I can hardly breathe. My anxiety is hitting the roof. I need to somehow keep my wits about me if I am to help her, but her eyes seem to be staring right through me and the horror in them feels like a knife stabbing my heart repeatedly.

 _Get a grip, Mulder!_ I order myself. I have to do something. I'm afraid. I know what seizures can do to a person's mind. This is beyond my capabilities.

With my right palm still planted atop Scully's forehead, I use my left to swipe the cell's opening screen away. I quickly reach the keypad screen and dial 911. I hear myself speaking but I feel as if I am hearing somebody else's voice. I hear this frantic, helpless man, on the verge of screaming. "Ambulance," I blubber. "Now!" I've switch to ordering, but my voice is hoarse and pitchy as tears try to make their way through my vocal chords. I wasn't even aware that I was on the verge of crying. At least the EMT operator doesn't ask me for my location. Thank God for technology. You can't hide these days, but this is one occasion you are grateful for the loss of privacy.

The woman on the other end of the line stays with me while I wait for what seems like an eternity, but is really just a few minutes. When I wait I realize that all I can hear is the sound of my panted breath. I stare back at Scully. Her body is finally still.

"Scully…" I am almost pleading. Her eyes are now affixed on the ceiling, and my fear levels are reaching sky high. A million 'what ifs' attacking my brain as I work hard on shooing them away lest the scary thoughts of brain damage or worse take hold of my mind. I shake her shoulder, gently, trying in vain to elicit a response from her, but she is like a rag doll, lying there, motionless and emotionless. "Please, Scully…"

I am so deeply focused on her that I almost jump when I hear the EMTs calling out to me. I feel a strong hand pressing against my shoulder and I look up. A male EMT offers his hand to me, and as he helps me to my feet, he asks me what happened. Once again I hear myself speaking but I feel as if I am a bystander, looking from the outside as I hear myself uttering the words describing how I had found Scully.

"Her pupils aren't reacting to light," the female EMT tells me. I can feel as if somebody is hammering down nails on the coffin of my hope. If Scully's braindead… no, I can't go there. The EMTs are bombarding me with questions about Scully's medical history. I don't know why, but I don't want to open the cancer Pandora or the abduction and its aftermath. I blurt out that she's healthy. That she's a doctor. She should understand this stuff, but deep inside I am feeding my fear monster and I am preparing for the worst possible outcome. Scully may be a doctor, but she doesn't have X-Ray vision. People can be asymptomatic for months or even years before they find out they have cancer, and Scully's cancer is of a special garden variety; it goes into remission when it encounters an implant… and it could possibly be triggered by it with the flick of a switch.

Skinner appears out of nowhere demanding to know what had happened. I am too wound up to deal with his interrogation right now, but the EMTs have already loaded Scully on a trolley and I am rushing right behind them. I can hear Skinner's footsteps as he strides to catch up with me.

"Mulder, let me drive you to the hospital. You are in no condition to—"

I won't hear any of it. "I am going with Scully," I inform him, but the EMTs dismiss my request. Protocol Shmotocol. Fuck them! Fuck everybody! I am ready to explode.

"So that settles it. I will drive you," Skinner concludes.

"I will get there on my own," I tell him, and my tone is such, I know Skinner won't continue this line of conversation. I think I would have busted his face if he would have persisted. I am so angry right now. I don't know why or with whom, but I just want to hit somebody and I am doing my best to keep my rage at bay, but like a ticking bomb, I know it won't take much for me to implode.

Deep down I know I feel guilty about Scully's current condition. I know it's absurd but since so much has happened to her as a result of her knowing me, I somehow know that this is also somehow related to me, and I am already assuming the blame. In fact, it's me I want to hit and kick, but I am lashing out at the world and its unfairness. Why does this have to happen to her? Hasn't she been through enough?

But I have no answer to my plight.

I drive like a zombie on speed. I have taken this route to the hospital on numerous occasions, it's like second nature, and despite not having done it for a long time I guess it's just like riding a bike. But even though I am travelling at a fast speed, I feel like the journey is taking forever and my mind is once again filled with questions and the need to understand what had just happened, but I am at a loss and at the mercy of medicine and possibly luck. If I were a believer like Scully, I would have been praying for her right now, but I am not. Ironically, I wish I were like her at this very moment. I would have enjoyed taking comfort in putting my hopes in the hands of some unknown entity and relieving my burden. But I feel solely responsible here. I was the one who dragged Scully into this life and I am quite certain this current event is just another part of this never ending story.

I am trying my hardest to think if I'd seen any sign that could have been an indication for her seizure today. I come up empty handed. We'd been spending time in each other's company on a daily basis; during work hours and after work hours. It was fun, happy, flirty at times, friendly most times. I thought that maybe things between us were returning to normal. I was contemplating an actual date for the weekend… but now… I should have known it was too good for it to last. Maybe just my wish for happiness was enough to cause this… Great, I am wallowing in self-pity. How becoming. Scully's got some unknown illness and look at me…

Thank God I am at the entrance to the hospital parking lot. I am so glad the endless ride of gloom was over. I let out a sigh of relief. I am finally parked and on my way to the emergency room. If I won't get answers soon, I fear I might end up in jail for murder…

But when I enter the ER nobody seems to know anything, and I am losing what little patience I still had. Skinner is trying to soothe me with platitudes and he is about to assume the place of murder victim number one. I am not up for his BS. If I won't get my answers now—

"Is one of you Fox Mulder?" a woman with an English accent asks and I am all over her, wanting her to tell me that Scully is OK. That's all I want of her, but she's just as much in the dark as all of us. She even shows me Scully's scans which mean nothing to me, but lo and behold, Skinner seems to be able to read Morse code blinking in her brain. I am appalled with myself for not seeing that myself. I would have, had it not been the brain of the only person I cared for in this world… and Skinner is certain the message "Find him" is about William and that she wants him because she's on her death bed… I know my thoughts had travelled in that direction, but when Skinner says it out loud I want to slap him in his face as if he had just spoken blasphemy. No! I won't accept it. I can't accept it…

Skinner is driving me insane! Telling me I am not helping her cause, trying to pull me away from her. As if! I just wish he'd go already so I can just be with her. Alone.

And then they are all gone; Skinner, the doctor, the nurses, and I feel like I am going to collapse. I have to sit but the site of Scully so frail and pale on that hospital bed, and the unknowns surrounding her, they are all so overbearing.

The thought is imperishable, a fear that takes hold in the gut, that the person you care for most in the world could be hurt by you. By your actions. The simple fact of knowing you.

As she lies here, so helpless, those same thoughts and fears flood my mind with questions. If I caused this, how then can I make it stop?

* * *

 

Epilogue – Three days later.

I cannot let her out of my site. Not for a single moment. I can't believe that in just three days I could have lost her three times… first the seizure, then a car accident and finally nearly being smothered to death by a pillow… This is an all-time record even for Scully. And considering what I know now, there is no chance in hell I am taking my eyes off of her right now. Especially since Skinner seems to have switched sides and turned against us. I know I was just venting before when he pissed me, but maybe this was some premonition re his loyalty that I'd been having. Anyway, Skinner's just another person we will have to avoid from now on. Oh well, what's another name , considering the length of the list.

I snort at the thought and Scully turns around. "What's so funny, Mulder?"

I am blown away by her eyes. Just three days ago those eyes stared out at nothing with utter horror. Yes… what a difference a few days make.

"Mulder?" She stopped packing her belongings into her overnight bag and was now approaching me. "What's on your mind?"

I smile. "I have so many things on my mind right now, I'd probably bore you to death," I retort.

She stares deep into my eyes as she slides her hand into mine. "I'm sure I will survive. I am immortal after all."

I can't help but laugh, and considering all she'd gone through, maybe she was immortal indeed, or just extremely lucky. "Are you ready to go?"

"Just about," she tells me as she moves back to the hospital bed to finish her packing.

Two minutes later and she is signed out, her hospital wristband removed and we are on the way to my car. She throws her bag in the back and takes the passenger seat beside me. I look at her again, taking in her sight like a breath of fresh air, then I turn the engine on and head out of the parking lot.

At the first turn I take, I receive the expected puzzled question from her. "Mulder? That's not the direction to my apartment."

"That's because you are not going to your apartment." I tell her.

"What do you mean?" I can hear her confusion. "Where _am_ I going, then?"

"If your mother were alive, I know for certain you would have gone to spend time with her after such an ordeal, but since she isn't, I believe I am your family now, and so you are coming to stay with me until the coast is clear." _or forever_ , I add in my mind.

I wait for her rebuttal. I wait for the opposing remarks. I get silence in return. For a moment there, I fear she is about to seize again, so I sneak a quick glance at her, only to catch her with a very satisfied grin on her face.

*******THE END*******


End file.
